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Finding Peace — Manuscript Post #53

Adult Child of an Alcoholic, ACoA, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Finding Peace, One Patient's Journey, Therapy For the Adult Child of an Alcoholic
Posted: February 8, 2016 at 3:00 am   /   by   /   comments (0)

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–Sessions: 43 of 53
Monday, February 22, 2010 11:00am

I asked Elsie to read the email I had from Pop. She said “you are being treated badly.” She also described the email as ‘lame’, and said my behavior through all of this, referring to my mother’s last year, had been ‘exemplary’. Elsie then said “you have poked the hornet’s nest, if you poke it again, you may get a much uglier response.”

I took her advice very seriously. I thought about this very carefully and made a decision. I wanted Pop to answer my question. I wanted a clear answer, even if there was ugliness along the way. I decided to pursue the issue until I got the clear answer I wanted. I think Pop expected me to reply apologizing for asking him to help since he had such a sad story. I didn’t. Pop had not directly answered my question so I waited for his next email.

Pop’s next email to me had more story, and still no clear answer. He told me again how he had given money to his children and told me that he as “still trying to come up with some way of helping you out.” Then the story changes to how he hasn’t completed his taxes for the year and won’t know if he can help until those are done. Then more story about various medical issues and how much those were costing. Pop then described the next vacation trip he will be going on. Apparently there is no problem paying for various trips. I have no clue why Pop continues to tell me about all his trips while also telling me he has no money.

Pop then took a new direction with his non-answer-answer. He asked me if Crackle had helped me and what Snap’s living arrangements were. I assumed he was asking if Crackle had helped me pay off the accumulated debts. I thought this was interesting. My question to him didn’t have anything to do with what Snap or Crackle had or had not done. Pop asking me about Snap and Crackle put me in the middle. If Pop really wanted to know about them, he could contact them. It wasn’t my job to keep him informed about his siblings that he wasn’t speaking to.

Pop then proposed that he visit me to “get this taken care of” by talking about it. Yet another trip was no problem apparently. Pop’s email ended with him saying he would let me know by the next weekend what he can do.

I replied to Pop’s proposal, stating that I didn’t want him to visit or call me. I stated that I wanted this discussed in email only. I knew that Pop’s proposal to visit was a manipulation. He would take time and money traveling to visit me, which would make me guilty of adding to his financial problems. I think Pop was confident I would not have the nerve to ask him to help pay the debts face to face. I didn’t want Pop to visit me, where he could try to manipulate me, I wanted Pop to write down everything he wanted to say so that there could never be any doubt as to who said what to whom.

After I told Pop that I didn’t want him to visit or call, he emailed me again. Pop told me that he was unhappy that I hadn’t answered his questions about Snap and Crackle. I hadn’t answered his questions because they have nothing to do with whether Pop helps or not. Pop explained that he and his family are ‘directly exposed’ to Snap’s threats of violence. Again, this isn’t relevant to the issue of our mother’s care. I completely understand the concerns about Snap and his written threats of violence, but that doesn’t affect the debts that need to be paid.

Pop repeated his request to answer his questions and then he took a new turn. He wrote that he was worried about me and that he needed me to help him understand what was going on with me. He then said he would do what he could based on his obligations to his children. I had no clue what any of that meant. Lots of story, no answer to my question asking him to help me pay the debts from our mothers care.

I decided to go along. I answered Pop’s questions. I emailed him and told him that as far as Snap’s threats were concerned, he needed to address that with the local police, and that this is what I did when I received written threats from Snap. As for Crackle, I told him that she had been involved in some aspects of the situation but I had no way of knowing what her involvement would be in the future. Finally, with respect to Snap, I thought he had a job and a place to live but I had no way to know how secure his job was or if he had enough income.

I also pointed out that anything I could tell him about Snap or Crackle might have changed and if Pop wanted more current information on their situations Pop would have to contact them directly.

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