Finding Peace — Manuscript Post #58
–Sessions: 47 of 53
Monday, April 19, 2010 11:00am
Blood Donation, Apheresis, Number 311
I told Elsie about my reply to Pop, thanking him for the clarity of his refusal to help me pay the accumulated debts, Crackle’s email describing how she suspected she had been played and my email to Snap that there would be no more money. Elsie listened, as she had so many times before, and she said I have excellent anger management skills. I think she meant that my response to Snap was clear and concise but didn’t contain any emotions.
We talked about what Snap’s response might be. I remember talking to my uncle some years ago. Snap had been calling my uncle asking for money. My uncle told me that if he refused Snap’s demand for money, Snap would say he was having suicidal thoughts.
Now that I had told Snap that I would not give him any more money, for any reason, I was concerned he would threaten suicide. Elsie told me that if Snap did talk about suicide I should take it seriously and call the police. The police would do a ‘well check’ and there would be an official report written. Elsie was right, it wasn’t my problem if Snap threatens suicide. If this happens, I need to turn it over to the police. I also think Snap would be a lot less likely to act out like this once he dealt with the police.
I had wondered if Elsie would tell me I was overreacting by being concerned Snap might threaten suicide. She didn’t. Instead, she said, “personalities like Snap don’t like being called on their shit.” I appreciated Elsie being blunt. If you think talking to a therapist will be formal, that wasn’t my experience. It was more like talking to someone you had known for a long time, someone you could tell anything to.
After this session, I got Snap’s reply to my ‘no more money’ email. It was vulgar and confused. Snap claimed, in between his obscenity laced rants, that he ‘thought’ the refunds were his. On what planet would the refunds have been his? Seriously? Snap’s WalMart credit card had been in collections, and I paid it off and the refund was his?
Snap also sent me an email after he received the death certificate I sent to him. Again, lots of obscenities, but, he blamed me, because I had never told him I wanted the refund. Huh? Snap called me, knowing I didn’t know about the refund, carefully didn’t tell me there was a refund and this is all my fault because I didn’t ask for the refund? Snap also told me, and this is great, that I’m the one with the problem, because he told me about the refund. Yes, Snap told me about the refund after I forced him to, after I refused to buy his carefully crafted lie that the collections agency needed to ‘update their records.’ I shouldn’t have been, but I was, surprised by the arrogance of Snap’s delusions. He actually believes this crap?
I thought about how I would describe Snap’s emails to Elsie. I looked up a word in the dictionary and it was the right one — depraved — showing an evil and immoral character. Snap’s nasty response was proof that Elsie has been right. I had called Snap on his shit and he went crazy.
In the same week that I had to deal with Snap’s depravity, I got an email from a relative outside my immediate family. This person had heard about what I was doing to deal with my mother’s end of life care. They told me that my ‘being absolutely transparent with all involved took guts and was absolutely the right thing to do.’ Yes, I was being transparent with everyone, no matter what their reaction was. This person also had personal experience giving money to other family members and could relate to my situation. They described it well, ‘it is so hard being the responsible one with some means to help.’ Indeed.
The refund check from the nursing home arrived. I thought about what to do with it. It could have gone to help pay off the accumulated debt. I decided to donate the refund to a local humane society. I thought my mother would have liked that.
–Sessions: 48 of 53
Monday, May 3, 2010 11:00am
Blood Donation, Apheresis, Number 313
I reviewed the emails from Snap. Elsie says she is shocked by them. I assume Elsie has seen some serious shit in her time. I can’t imagine all the patients she has seen and all the forms of pain she has seen in them. For Elsie to be shocked by Snap’s email made an impression on me. I told her about my email to everyone explaining what I had experienced with Snap. Crackle called me concerned about the nastiness in Snap’s email, asking me what ‘we’ can do about Snap.
Elsie was concerned when I told her that I hadn’t slept much the last two nights. My guess is that it was stress from Snap’s emails. I was also about to transition to a new job.
Elsie tells me that I have done an exemplary job dealing with family of origin issues.
I ask her, in light of Snap’s emails, what I should do if Snap decides to act out his various threats. Elsie tells me that if Snap were to appear at my home, don’t let him in. Elsie thinks Snap is mentally ill, specifically, bi-polar. When I told Snap that I would not give him any more money, he snapped from nice to nasty.
Elsie asked me how much it hurt to get Snap’s emails. She says even though she has told me that Snap is mentally ill, even though I know Snap is mentally ill, that doesn’t mean his emails don’t hurt. I told her that it hurt briefly and I spent some time blaming myself, then I realized I must stop always assuming I am wrong. It isn’t my job to explain and defend other people’s behaviors. I witnessed what Snap did. If anyone needs to ‘explain’ what Snap did, it is Snap. Snap needs to explain what he has done, not me.